By Kayla Blatchley

Arielle Zibrak’s "Super Short Cliff’s Notes for All Classic Novels,"  a McScweeney’s list that I strongly encourage you all to read, inspired me to come up with some Cliff's Notes of my own. Yes, this is just for fun, but I also like the play of structure, seeing what happens when we look at complex things via a simplified frame. So let's summarize a few things that shouldn't be summarized!

Cliff’s Notes for Break-Ups

  1. You tell someone “It’s not you, it’s me.”
  2. Someone tells you “It’s not you, it’s me.”
  3. You sleep with this person
  4. Both parties drink excessively

Cliff’s Notes for Making Dinner

  1. You sauté onion and garlic in olive oil, add items
  2. Items taken from the freezer, boiled in water
  3. You call someone to bring items to you
  4. You stare into refrigerator until hunger becomes a mere mind state of your lesser body

Cliff’s Notes for Wizard Books

  1. There’s one guy without a sword
  2. Boobs
  3. The individual triumphs over society while saving society
  4. Boobs

Cliff’s Notes for Dating

  1. You introduce yourself, talk about stuff, make out
  2. You make out, introduce yourself, talk about stuff
  3. You fight while talking and making out
  4. Both parties are drunk

Cliff’s Notes for Commenting on the Web

  1. Utterly generic yet heartfelt encouragement indicated by exclamation point
  2. Personal attacks on author
  3. Comment section used as platform to plug own ideas/book/website
  4. Complete the phrase “That sure is _____” by copying and pasting a line from the article

Why not whip up your own Super Short Cliff's Notes? I left out "Leaving Afghanistan Responsibly" and "Hiding Your Porn" just for you. If you get stuck, simply remember Zibrak's final note: "Author was drunk."