​Purell is the enemy.

There was a lot of talk last week about a new, super-potent, drug-resistant form of bacteria that the CDC was warning hospitals about and generally sounds like a horrible nightmare. I took this news to heart, not just because I'm a hypochondriac, but because I refuse to use those antibacterial towelettes to wipe down the elliptical at the gym.

As I've mentioned before, I go to the gym strictly to do the elliptical and watch Judge Judy, mostly because my body is a broken shell that can't handle anything more strenuous. Like RuPaul, I have accepted Judge Judith Sheindlin as my personal lord and savior. But I am afraid of antibacterial towelettes. Those I cannot accept.

Hear me out: I haven't been sick, I don't have any open sores on my hands, and most importantly, I am terrified of creating yet more superbacteria by needlessly trying to sanitize the world. I just wipe off the handles of the machine with the ends of my towel (which I carefully keep sweat-free) and change the channel to Bravo. I've gotten dirty looks for this, which I'd get if I'd left a weight machine soaked in all matter of backsweat, but give me a break; it's like these jerks are more offended by possible contact with possible hand moisture than the possibility of contracting MRSA. So if you see woman who's sweaty and bright red limping away from an elliptical without towelette wipe-down, know that I'm only trying to keep you safe. Besides, only Judy can judge me.