Whether they were written last week or last millennium, poems have the power to encapsulate humanity's raptures, worries, and heartbreak, and that shit's timeless. To weather the storm that is Valentine's Day, here are seven new and not-so-new love poems matched to the whole spectrum of romantic status.
Occasion: The Walk of Shame
Poem: "Bitter Blow of Love" by Mark Slaughter
Sometimes love makes you feel like your heart has a hangover. Sometimes, you actually have a hangover. Either way, this poem sums up the way we all get when we have to trudge home from whatever mistake we made the night before. Reality is harsh, and the pain is searing. Take some Advil and move on.
Occasion: The Awkward OkCupid Date
Poem: "Risks" by Janet Rand
Online dating is a giant crapshoot. The internet is full of weirdos and perverts disguised as normal people, and normal people disguised as weirdos and perverts. But everyone needs to take a risk once in a while! Besides, one woman's Danny DeVito is another's Ryan Gosling.
Occasion: Sloppy PDA Sessions
Poem: "Wild Nights - Wild nights!" by Emily Dickinson
If you're in a relationship and you're at least a little bit attracted to the other person, this is bound to happen. Let it! Go ahead, throw the map away for the night and go wild! Just don't blame me if pictures of it end up on the internet.
Occasion: Boring Couple Syndome
Poem: "Another Valentine" by Wendy Cope
The modern world is a fast moving place to be sure. People speed date instead of sitting down for dinner and fly through relationships faster and more carelessly than ever. But if you're happy in that whole soulmate/together-forever kind of way, good on you. You're just no fun to hang out with anymore.
Occasion: The Drunken Hook Up
Poem: "A Drinking Song" by W.B. Yeats
I don't know how many relationships have started with the consumption of alcohol, but I'm gonna go ahead and say a lot. As Yeats says, "Love comes in at the eye," and a few glasses of wine/cans of PBR/bespoke cocktails (hold the charred ice) makes that love floweth over.
Occasion: The Technology-Choked Relationship
Poem: "The American on His First Honeymoon" by Rita Mae Reese
The glorious wormhole that is the Internet has taken a toll on our emotional IQ as a people. Why say something to someone in person when you could text them and avoid all face-to-face interaction! It's a sad reality affecting couples left and right.
Occasion: The Grisly Break Up
Poem: "Fin de Fête" by Charlotte Mew
True, Valentine's Day isn't the ideal date to have "the talk," but when you're both at the end of your rope, it's now or never. Once you've done the deed, reward yourself the next day with the drastic discounts on drugstore candy. Baby steps.
written by Gena LeBlanc