What was your favorite writer like in the the sack? Are you sure you really want to know?

After all, shouldn't you be paying attention to the one-sided feud between Bret Easton Ellis and David Foster Wallace?

Perhaps if Ellis stopped to read one of these love-centric stories, some of that aggression would die down.

Even an episode or two of Reading Rainbow could melt the heart of such a literary Grinch.

Though, I don't think Molly Ringwald's collection of stories, rife with depression, melodrama, and divorce, would be a good fit for the show.

But if a writing career doesn't pan out for her, we hear the jingle-writing business is rather lucrative.

Just make sure to rid yourself of all crutch words before setting your lyrics down.

Because you never know when Philip Roth will pen an angry letter to you, putting you in your place.

And when that happens, you may find yourself as the very definition of a literary failure.

Illustration by Bianca Stone.