Are Americans deprived of a childhood? Blame the French for putting The Tooth Mouth into perspective.
One thing we have perfected, though, is pissing off our waiters.
This guilt is easily assuaged by the sad, pathetic lines building up behind you at the liquor store.
Perhaps author Christy Wampole can save us from the hideous irony of our own lives.
If only philosophizing about the pigs sacrificed for John Kaag's ham sandwich could take the edge off.
Or the 82-year-old maker of radioactive desserts.
Alas, Little Debbie cannot force us to channel our inner selves and step outside our delicious comfort zones.
But since holidays are just around the corner, make sure you're armed with human-interactive board games to spice things up.
Story by Alta Swyers