A Black Balloon Publication ©
By Barbara C. Bourland

Don't worry, Tobias has these vanity plates on lock.

Happy Sunday, nerds. My husband and I are spending this gorgeous day indoors, binging on Arrested Development. As many rational people have noted, we waited seven years for this moment, and we're going to blow our proverbial load all in one single, epic day.

For me, AD is the props. From the handmade banners ("You're Killing Me, Buster!" / "Welcome Home, Buster" / "Family Love Michael") to Cloudmir Vodka and Mother's Rape Horn ("Like anyone's going to R her"), the jokes become fully complete with their supporting documentation. Like Franklin's skin changing in the wash, these are the props of our lives.

So far we've hit 7 episodes, and I've been grabbing my favorites.  I have a case of San Pellegrino Aranciata Rossa (thanks, Costco!), two blueberry pies, and a full cup of coffee. I WILL finish this before the sun goes down. In the meantime: here's at least 23 awesome props from the newest season of AD (from episodes 1 through 7). And... SPOILER ALERT. 

 

Halliburton Teen: Crude and Rude. Riding Dirty. No One Rides for Free.

Hal and Burton's Goat Cream. Coming soon to a Whole Foods near you.

"MUD CAVE: Large. Biblical era. Only used once.

USED FOR TELEVISED VEAL SHOW. Crumbling, muddy, dirt cave, dilapidated, EXCELLENT CONDITION. Hole in top perfect for ventilation, dangling of bodies. Rolling "sealing" stone available as well to seal in occupants. Hidden compartments for keys, belongings. Can be put on a platform and approached by an additional boulder-stairway w a trapdoor -- but odor problem with boulder. Contact Church of Holy Enlightened Rapture for more info."

Lucille's foster son is named Perfecto Telles.

"We12: Luxury Above the Clouds.

Miss your dog? Try one of ours. Outwest's latest in flight amenity -- a best friend for the flight. Plus: the best of Altitude (what they're reading behind you)."

"We WAS WRONG:

Father B's 'hot' retreat delivers luke warm inspiration, lemonade.

Looking forward to making something yours by taking it from someone who thinks it's his? Don't come to Father B's 'S&B' (sweat and breakfast.) That's right, We  blew it .... and as a result We changed our policy and We will be separating editorial from advertisements from now on. From the promise of a relaxing "broken gate" view (which was just a cyclone fence missing a support pole) to an inspirational speech that sounds like something a prisoner would write, the whole experience was a cold dud. You'd be better off giving your power to a glass of lemonade than trusting the half-a-crybaby at the front of the tent. "He actually tried to get me to eat some crackers when I said I'd rather wait for room service than buy his saccharine lemonade," said Miles Oberstanch, VP of marketing for Wetboard youth and lifestyle retailer. "Then he tried to humiliate me into a 'motivating rage' by saying I'd 'wet my pants' in front of everyone. But it wasn't humiliating at all, because anyone could tell it was just sweat. All of our pants were wet. The only rage I ended up with was over a hay ride where there was no hay and we all had to sit on lemon rinds. I mean, get some hay, right?"

Hey, we get it. And We blew it. Oops."

Finally, a new issue of Balboa Bay Window: The magazine of the American society of ladies who lunch -- a lot. Coverline of the year is going to "Proposition Ape." Buster's pinney reads "The New Normal?" and they used the New Yorker's signature font for the magazine's tagline.

This Halliburton Teen is going to "Live Truthfully and Skate Through Life."

Michael's new "stare car."

Imagine Entertainment: "Where dreams drop into make-believe as surely as a drop of water falls into a bigger thing of water in slow motion."

Jerry Bruckheimer Films: "Driving action towards love through a storm until lightning hits a tree."

Michael is a "Co-Associate Producer." .... :(

The Scandalmakers Maker's Scandal!

More Angels and Demons poster lurking in the background.

En Espanol: Angeles and Diablos, MAS MAS MAS!

Shemale is back, and it's still the hottest brand around.

The Fantastic Four: Working hard on and off the set. Note Cunningham's face pasted on the center Polaroid.

A still from one of the Straight Bait films. Tobias has only seen 2, 6, and 9, so don't worry about it.

HOME MADE ARM BAND.

Paid for by the Newport Beach Birthers for a Bright Tomorrow.

The brochure for Father B's Colony advertises a way to "Perspire to Prosperity."

I'm still reading all the graffiti on this, but I do like "Clam Bake in Room 506."