By Iona Holloway

Huh? Winnie the Pooh’s a hermaphrodite? Eeyore’s tail bow is a tightly knotted expression of phallic supremacy? Piglet’s an anorexic—I thought he was just a small boy? I’d like to say I slammed Frederick Crew’s Postmodern Pooh shut, stuck my fingers in my ears and started singing "Baa-Baa Black Sheep," but then I’d be giving Crew’s permission to diagnose me with generalized anxiety disorder

I’ve got a real problem with Crews and Associates character assassination of Winnie the Pooh and his motley wood dwellers. Why? It comes down to the four-word mantra: “let kids be kids,” which I’ll expand to “let kids books be kids books.” I know A.A. Milne had a task on his hands with the real-world Christopher Robin, but I refuse to believe Dolores Malatesta’s proposal that freaky little Piglet is, on some level deeper than the ocean floor, symbolic of Milne’s molestation of Christopher Robin.

Kids are tiny humans who haven’t been around long enough to realize they’re holding a sausage suggestively. So Crews, are you sure we need to dredge up conspiracy theories that Pooh’s honey pot is actually a symbolic vagina? (See, I made that up and nobody even noticed.) So, in the spirit of ironically saving kid literature, here are five examples of when Pooh is just Pooh, but if Pooh and Crew were around today, who/what they would be doing (but not like that, because we’re kids, remember).


Postmodern: Pooh Is Winston Churchill

Reasoning: They are both kind of round and like snacks and naps.

21st Century: Pooh Is Boris Johnson, Mayor of London

Winnie the Pooh, Winston “Winnie” Churchill—get it? Yes? No. Good, me neither. There’s no need to turn WW11 into a gigantic game of ultimately victorious Pooh Sticks, but on the topic of politicizing our favorite bear, he’d make a mean Boris Johnson. Known as a mumbling, bumbling, and hugely popular idiot, Boris “Pooh” Johnson’s just extended his reign over the capital of England for another term. Not bad for a symbolic labia-sucker.


Postmodern: Pooh and Friends are Hermaphrodites With No Entrails

Reasoning: They have no visible genitalia.

21st Century Example: Almost any animal cartoon character created by man, ever.

So kids are going to be dazed and confused by Pooh’s lack of penis and anus when he's stuck upside-down in a jar of honey? Sure, Victor S. Fassell. Maybe parents will just be happy that Tigger’s dong is not bouncing all over 100 Acre Wood getting a grass rash? And do you really think any modern cartoon character would get anywhere near Nick Junior if the main character rocked a visible penis?


Postmodern: Pooh Poops in Public

Reasoning: Marking Territory, Squatter’s Rights

21st Century Example: Occupy Anything

In some kind of postmodern interpretation Carla Gulag argues that Pooh would “technically” attempt to “own” Rabbit’s house by shitting on his doorstep—we know this to be impossible because Pooh’s got no entrails. However, if Pooh was marking territory, where else better than in the Occupy Wall Street Movement. Sure, the police might not appreciate public defecation, but Pooh’s just a bear. Christopher Robbin would be up shit creek without a paddle as his legal guardian.


Post Modern: Eeyore’s Tail represents Penis Power

Reasoning: The pink bow draws attention to his superiority

21st Century Example: Snapchat Leaked

Eeyore waves his pink-ribboned tail around, “like he just don’t care.” But just because his tail is misplaced, and miraculously grows back from time to time, doesn’t mean he’s lording it over women in general. However, if Eeyore were to Snapchat his powerful tail to a female donkey, he may end up on recent Facebook phenomenon, Snapchat Leaked.


Post Modern: Pooh Endeavors To Be Fat.

Reasoning: Performs morning “Stoutness Exercises”

21st Century Example: Feeder Porn

Pooh eats honey on a grotesque level, but does that really make him Henry IV’s doppelganger? While the consumption of sugary goods isn’t healthy, it does make big ted a strong candidate for feeder porn.

Credit: Flickr user Kuba Bożanowsk. Used with a Creative Commons license.