What was your favorite writer like in the the sack? Are you sure you really want to know?

After all, shouldn't you be paying attention to the one-sided feud between Bret Easton Ellis and David Foster Wallace?

Perhaps if Ellis stopped to read one of these love-centric stories, some of that aggression would die down.

Even an episode or two of Reading Rainbow could melt the heart of such a literary Grinch.

Though, I don't think Molly Ringwald's collection of stories, rife with depression, melodrama, and divorce, would be a good fit for the show.

But if a writing career doesn't pan out for her, we hear the jingle-writing business is rather lucrative.

Just make sure to rid yourself of all crutch words before setting your lyrics down.

Because you never know when Philip Roth will pen an angry letter to you, putting you in your place.

And when that happens, you may find yourself as the very definition of a literary failure.

Illustration by Bianca Stone.

What with Daisey and D'Agata in the news, do you think the truth is malleable?

David Sedaris seems to agree, though his stint as a Christmas elf seems to be mostly true.

Meanwhile, Toni Morrison finds the truth boring, which is why she is cancelling her memoir.

Maybe Philip Roth can attest to the same thing as he reaches his 80th birthday.

Though Lee Gutkind would pipe in that the truth is important no matter what.

And even more important, possibly, is saving some words from extinction.

Perhaps the punks could turn their political attention to linguistics as well.

Or maybe even Blade Runner could do some literary saving-the-world.

Though it would be interesting what Stalin would have to say, or perhaps his iTunes.

But that's in the past -- and maybe in the past, everything --including the books people read-- was better.

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